Is that the max I could do?

Heyyy...I was trying to write something here!! And a stupid movement of my finger suddenly took me to the weather forecast site. I lost all words I've written. Damn!!

I don't feel like repeating what I've written so far. It's bloody annoying!

I got the results of my last semester this morning. And my degree. Now I got a complete picture of my 4-semester studying (not yet the 2-year learning) here. Well, actually… I haven't got my degree conferred yet, not until Dec 19. But for now, at least I can be sure that I'm attending the graduation ceremony. And the puzzle I’ve just completed…it’s only on the study part. I’ll need to be able to summarize the full story in 2 WEEKS’ time when returning home. WHOAKKK!!!

I made a guess of my marks last night. And four out of five subjects I took last semester were as expected. I only missed one –the Financial Engineering—which was fortunately one grade higher than I'd expected. The thing is that I'd prepared myself for bad results this semester. And this time I was right. 

The results didn't really surprise me the way the first semester of 2005 and 2006 (thank God, I managed to get this one revised a month after) did. But the fact that my worse, if not the worst, case scenario was true did.

The fact that I’ve been able to differentiate which subjects I like and which ones I don’t by comparing the marks did. In terms of marks, I used to see myself as an “extremist”. I could only get either the best or the worst. I couldn’t do something in between. It’s just not me.

The fact that I’ve proven my theory did. I’ve told my mom, my sis, and my friends, “I guess I do things best when I’m under pressures.” I worked part time during my second semester 2005 and first semester 2006. I chose not to work last semester since the timetable was quite intensive in the first couple months. I chose to quit working especially because I wanna be a full-time student, for once and may be for the last time in my life. I wanted to “enjoy” the hours I spent in the Bailieu library. Huehe…yaikkksss!! (but it’s somewhat true, here I learn to like studying at the library) I wanted to enjoy my last months here, going out whenever and wherever I wanted to, without being bounded by the roster. And you know what I got? Looking at my marks from the first to the last semester…it does have a bell-shaped distribution (didn’t check whether it has a skewness of zero and kurtosis of three, tho). I got the best marks when I was being a quarter-time student, a quarter-time waitress, a quarter-time “mom” for myself, and a quarter-time TOURIST!!! And I got more colorful results when I chose to “convert” my visa into a studying-holiday one. The average for this last semester was even the worst compared to the first three.

This is what I've been afraid of. Regrets. I know that I didn't put much effort this semester. But it should have been okay if I had given my best shot when sitting for the exams. And that IS more annoying, even more annoying than the errors in Friendster and than my laptop which screwed my writing just now :p

When you did badly during early semester(s), you can always tell yourself to try again next time, which was also what k told me the moment I got my first semester 2005 results. At that time, my bro also told me that the sky wasn’t falling even when I didn’t get the best. That’s true…very true that I’m still able to see the beauty and the banality of the Melbourne skies three semesters afterwards. But since this is my last semester… there’s no next time. The averaging process is terminated and it’s final. Everyone used to say, “You’ll be fine.” Or “You’ll get a good mark.” And I really hate when people say, “Ahhh…Ayna gitu lho…ga bisanya or jeleknya loe tuh bagusnya gue.” I know I’ve been talking about marks and grades as if it were the single most important thing. But what actually matters a lot to me is whether I’ve done the best I could. And there’s no way other people know how much effort I’ve put. You know yourselves, don’t you? So you’re the one who can tell the truth and being honest to yourselves. And surely there is a difference between not being able to do something well and choosing not to do something well.

Anyway… I’m grateful (well, have to) that it’s all over. I was consciously thinking of doing something ordinary when I came here. I’ve learned a lot about imperfection in many different things. And I got a fuller life instead.
Okay…gotta do some cleaning and laundry. My mom and sis are coming tomorrow!!! Gee…it’s the day I’ve been waiting for since the first day I touched down Melbourne. I was more excited about it when I was in the exam period last month. Now…as it is really coming, I so wanna put it on hold because I know, the moment they’re here…my days in Melbourne immediately drop below fortnight.Write some more later.

Comments

[ddiillyyss]

congrats yah.. finally finished your degree!!

[Ray]

Hallo...Ayna...aku salut sama cerita kamu...memang kamu orangnya ekspresionis kalo lagi buat cerita ya...aku sampe nyangkain kamu lagi berbicara dengan orang yang lagi ngebaca....tapi itu kan terserah respon orang yang ngebaca ya....he..he..he.oke deh...aku hanya bisa ngasih ucapan selamat ya buat kamu bisa Sekolah di Universitas Melbourne yang aku pas liat ternyata itu Universitas terbaik di Australia....Sukses buat kamu deh ya...semoga dirimu juga nanti langsung bisa dapat kerjaan yang bagus di mana aja..yang penting sesuai dengang bidang kamu....Okey...the last but not the least...Give my best to ur family..there..always GBU there.

REgards

D Ray S

[Vera]

Congrats! cepet jg yah perasaan kemaren ini baru liat elo di fs berubah location ke Oz :p skrg dah kelar lagi ... waah tambah satu lagi deh orang2 seangkatan gua yg udah dapet Graduate degree...

[Ayna]

Thank you... Iya, finally neh... And you're rite, time flies. And it's bloody fast =)